


Helpless

by lohn_jaurens



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Non-binary Laf, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Pining, Poor John, henry laurens great parenting skills, tjeff is an asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-06-05 13:28:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6706225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lohn_jaurens/pseuds/lohn_jaurens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When John Laurens started his first year at Columbia he was thought his life was finally going to turn around. He became best friends with the kids who live across the hall, an fell for his roommate Thomas Jefferson. Then everything went to shit. Its now a new semester, and John wants to forget everything that happened. He is determined to keep his new roommate at a distance, but when that person turns out to be Alexander Hamilton, John is afraid it will happen all over again.   </p><p> </p><p>Im shit at summaries im sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

John Laurens knew that he wanted to start over. He felt like he had gone through an entire lifetime in the span of 5 months. This semester was going to be different, he was sure of it. Spending Christmas break in South Carolina wasn’t as bad as he thought it was going to be, mostly because he was too tired to pick any fights with his father. His siblings kept him occupied and for a few days, he completely forgot about the shit he ran away from back in New York. He arrived on campus a week before he needed to, wanting to get settled in before he met his new roommate. He wanted to be prepared this time. He wanted to pick his side of the room, wanted to make decisions for himself this time. He wanted to stop feeling so goddamn helpless.  
  
He had barely finished unpacking when there were three short knocks at the door. John quickly stuffed the textbook he had been holing into the bookshelf above his desk and went to go open the door. Before he could even see who it was, he was tackled into a big bear hug. John stood there a few seconds unsure of his this was, and attempted to regain his balance. He quickly realized the mass of curly hair and thick French accent belonged to his best friend Lafayette and quickly hugged back.  
  
″John _mon ami_ I’ve missed you! ″  
  
″Laf I’ve missed you to.″  
  
″Be careful and try not to squeeze him to death.″  
  
This voice came from behind Lafayette, and John knew that it belonged to Hercules Mulligan without even having to look at him. His voice was deep and strong and matched perfectly with his broad shoulders and 6ft frame. Laf reluctantly let go of the much smaller man, and stepped back, still smiling brightly at John. John stepped back, gesturing for the two men to come into his dorm, before closing the door behind him. Laf flopped own onto Johns new blue turtle sheets while Herc took a seat at the desk chair on the other side of the room. John went back to organizing his desk while Laf and Herc struck up a conversation about how their summer went, Laf rambling on and on about how beautiful Paris is while covered in snow. John wasn’t really paying attention; he was too busy trying to make sure that everything on his desk was neat and tidy. Cleaning always calmed his nerves, and right now John was freaking out about meeting his new roommate. He was snapped back to reality when he heard Lafayette calling his name.  
  
″John, _mon amour_ did you hear what I said? ″  
  
John cheeks flushed because he hadn’t, he even momentarily forgot they were in the room. Lafayette giggled and continued on without waiting for John to answer, his red hot face gave it all away.  
  
″I said, it’s going to be very strange not having you sleep on our floor this semester.″  
  
Johns face dropped, _oh yeah_. He had forgotten about that. What was he going to do without them sleeping just a few feet away from him? What if his new roommate was just like his old one? John couldn’t go through that again. He had barely made it through the first time, and that was with the constant care from his two best friends. Now they were a whole floor away, and John didn’t know what he was going to do without them in close proximity. He was trying to keep his breathing under control, he didn’t want to worry them, they had already done so much for him. Thankfully, he was able speak,  
  
″Aw are y′all gonna miss me that much? ″ John said playfully, trying to suppress the amount of panic slowly creeping its way into his voice. Laf and Herc chuckled,  
  
″Maybe this semester we will finally be able to sleep without _ton cul_ snoring the whole night. ″  
  
John rolled his eyes and flipped them off, not entirely sure what _ton cul_ meant, but knowing Lafayette it was probably something insulting.  
  
″do you know who your new roommate is gonna be?? ″  
  
John flipped through some papers till he found his room reassignment sheet, quickly scanning it till his eyes landed on a name,  
  
″Some kid name Alexander Hamilton″  
  
″Oh I know him! ″  
  
John turned to look at Lafayette with a puzzled look on his face. John hadn’t heard them talk about this Alexander kid before. John knew that Lafayette had other friends besides him and Herc, but he rarely mentioned more than a few people.  
  
″Really? ″  
  
″ _Oui_ , he was in my introduction to American politics class last semester. He’s small and feisty, also very cute.″  
  
Laf looked at John and wiggled their eyebrows while John turned a bright red color. John hoped that wasn’t the Alexander Hamilton who was his roommate; John couldn’t go through that again.  
  
″I’m surprised Thomas didn’t mention him, considering the amount of arguments they got into. A few of them would’ve ended up in physical fight if Professor Washington didn’t step in. ″  
  
_Thomas_. John’s shoulders slumped at the sound of his name. His heart rate quickly increased as he remembered Thomas' booming voice. John closed his eyes and tried to get Thomas' voice out of his head. _You’re nothing but a piece of shit_. John gripped the chair in front of him so tight his knuckles began to turn white. His breathing started to become sporadic. In one, two, three, four, out one, two, three, four. John repeated this, trying to regain control until he heard a muffled thud and a heavily accented ow. He turned around to see Lafayette rubbing their arm and Herc glaring at them. Laf looked up and saw the distraught look on Johns face that he was clearly not hiding well. Their face softened and filled with regret as they immediately began to apologize.  
  
″John _mon ami, je suis désolé je mentione que connard_.″  
  
″Laf you know I don’t speak French″  
  
″They said sorry for mentioning that asshole.″  
  
All three turned around to find out who the new voice belonged to. Standing in the doorway was the most beautiful person John had ever seen. His long dark hair was tied in a low bun at the nape of his neck with a few pieces framing his face. His dark eyes were mesmerizing and when they met Johns, John was stuck in a trance. He was dressed in baggy black jeans and a hoodie with a Columbia logo on it. He was simply stunning. John couldn’t look away. He didn’t look away when Lafayette began to speak  
  
″ _Tu parle français?_ ″  
  
The boy turned his attention to Laf and smiled warmly, and John wanted to kiss him so bad.  
  
″ _Oui_ ″ he replied. He stuck out his hand an said (in English this time) ″My name is Alexander Hamilton it’s a pleasure to meet all of you.″  
  
_Shit_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> French Translations (from google):  
> Oui - Yes  
> Mon ami - my friend  
> ton cul - your ass  
> je suis désolé je mentione que connard - i am sorry for mentioning that asshole  
> tu parle français? you speak french?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly a back story talking about Johns first semester at Columbia

John knew that getting close to Alexander – Alex- was not going to end well for him. It wasn’t his fault that Alex had to be so breathtakingly gorgeous all the time. Alex had the type of personality that commanded attention; all eyes were on him whenever they walked into a room. He was small and John thinks that’s part of the reason why he talked to loud, it was so people would pay attention to what he was saying. John was the exact opposite. He hated attention, he walked with his shoulders slumped in an attempt to make himself so small he might actually be able to disappear. His father taught him to never speak out of term, and for a while John had a hard time following this rule. He learned quickly that talking back only made the beatings worse. When he got to college he was determined to make things different. He was determined to stand up for what he believed in for the first time in his life. He did and for while he felt free. He said whatever he wanted, to whoever he wanted. He was finally in a good place; the anxiety that normally consumed his brain was almost muted.

At the start of his first semester at Columbia, John had convinced his father not to accompany him on the trip to New York from South Carolina. He loaded everything into the back of his Honda, and embarked on the grueling 11 hour journey. He didn’t relax until he crossed the state line out of South Carolina, and for the first time in his life he felt free. About half way through the trip he started to drift off to sleep, and decided it would be best to stay in a motel for the night. When he awoke, he felt like that was the best sleep he had gotten in his life; on a shitty mattress in the middle of Virginia, finally out of his father’s reach.

He stood outside of his new dorm room at about 2pm that afternoon. He heard two loud voices inside, saying something in a language John didn’t understand. He took a deep breath and swung the door open to find two men sitting on the floor, engaged in a heated battle of Mario cart. They didn’t notice John at first, eyes glued to the small TV screen sitting on the wall underneath the window, across from where John was standing. There were two twin size beds on either side of the door, the bed to the left seemed to be taken, so John lifted his two suit cases onto the other bed, and went down stairs to grab the rest of his stuff. When John came back into the room both boys were now sitting on his roommates bed. They both stared at John has he entered the room, and after John set his stuff down, the taller of the two stood up and approached him. He was wearing black skinny jeans with a purple sweater. He had smooth glowing skin, big dark eyes filled with a fiery passion and beautiful curly hair that fell all around his face, accentuating his strong jawline, _my god_ , John thought, _he was gorgeous_.

″Hi, I’m Thomas Jefferson, I’m your roommate.″ Thomas stuck out his hand for John to shake, but John was so awestruck in Thomas beauty, that he didn’t even notice. His voice had a slight southern drawl, and was deep, and warm, and John wanted him to keep talking, because he left John speechless. Thomas chuckled,

″ Are you gonna shake my hand or are you gonna keep staring at me?″ John blushed, and was pulled back into reality, and quickly shook his hand. His hands were much larger than Johns; well everything about Thomas was bigger than John, but for the first time in his life, he was not afraid of a man who was bigger than him. John’s eyes now focused on the other person in the room, who was walking towards him.

″ _Bonjour_ my name is Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette and I expect you to refer to me by my full name.″ Johns eyes got wide, the persons heavy French accent made it hard to understand what he was saying when it was spoken fast. John couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, but luckily the man burst out laughing.  
  
″I’m kidding, you can call me Lafayette. Also I’m non-binary so please use they/them pronouns or else you can fuck off.″ they said smiling and shook Johns hand. John could feel Thomas′ eyes on him, and turned to meet his gaze, a small blush appeared on his skin when he realized he got caught staring. Lafayette looked between the two of them, a slight smirk on their face

″Well, _mon amis _, I’ll leave you to it. John, I live across the hall if you need anything. _Au revoir!_ ″ Lafayette said as they walked out of the room, leaving John and Thomas alone. After a few more seconds of lingering looks, John turned around and began unpacking his stuff. He knew he was fucked, because he really wanted to make out with his roommate, who, with Johns luck, was probably straight. The next few weeks flew by and John was falling quickly for his roommate. He quickly became friends with Lafayette’s roommate Hercules Mulligan, who wasn’t as tall as Thomas, but had much broader shoulders and a much more intimidating demeanor, but John was quick to trust him. He learned that Herc was just a big teddy bear who wouldn’t hurt a fly; unless that fly was picking on his friends. He knew that he never wanted to get on Hercs bad side. The fall semester was a breeze, and John felt happy for the first time in his life. His happiness reached an all new high on the night he finally kissed Thomas, his hands so gentle when cupping Johns face, almost as if he was afraid of breaking him. They pulled apart, breathless, and there was so much light in his eyes. This was a new feeling for John, having someone care about him. That makes what happen next all that more heartbreaking.__

It was Thanksgiving break and both Thomas and John decided to stay on campus. They were invited to a party at the Schuyler sisters’ apartment off campus. Having nothing better to do, the pair went. They weren’t planning on getting wasted, but some kid challenged Thomas to a drinking competition, and Thomas never backed own from a challenge. John only had a few sips of beer, not really interested in getting drunk, plus he wanted to make sure his boyfriend didn’t get into anything stupid. _His boyfriend_ , every time John said that it made him smile. Around 3am John decided it was time to leave, dragging his extremely drunk and protesting boyfriend out behind him. He thanked the Schuyler girls, and headed home with a pouting Thomas. When they got back to their room Thomas started to make out with John. John hated the strong scent of alcohol on his breath, but kissed back, his lips too soft to resist. After a few minutes Thomas started to get aggressive and John didn’t like that. He tried to push Thomas off, but he was too big. He finally pulled away and told Thomas to go to bed. Thomas′ expression turned from playful to dark and he narrowed his eyes at John.

″No one tells me no″ he growled. He threw John up against the wall; John wincing in pain as his head slammed into the hard surface, and his pain only seemed to turn Thomas on more. He had his hands pinned above his head so tight John was sure there would be a hand shaped bruise there in the morning. John didn’t fight back, but stopped kissing back and let Thomas do whatever he wanted to him. After a few minutes of unrequited kissing Thomas pulled away. His voice was a low growl as he whispered in John’s ear,

″Aw it’s no fun when you don’t play″

For the first time in their relationship, John was terrified of him. At this point John was holding back tears; Thomas sighed and threw him onto the floor, not amused with him anymore. John stayed there, curled in a ball on the floor until he heard light snoring coming from Thomas′ bed. He got up and crawled into his bed, covered himself under layer of blankets, and began to silently crying. _Nothing has changed_ , he thought, as he cried himself to sleep for the first time since he arrived at Columbia. The next morning Thomas curled into a ball next to john sobbing when he saw what he had one, he promised he would never do it again. John wanted to believe him, because no matter what happened, John was a fool in love. So he stayed, but Thomas lied. He did it again. He did it every time he got wasted, which as the end of the semester grew closer, was more and more often. One night it went too far, and John felt like he couldn’t breathe, his chest got tight and he knew he had to get out of there. He waited until Thomas passed out next to him, and he shakily untangled their limbs and climbed out of bed, grabbed fresh clothes out of his dresser, and stumbled across the hall to Lafayette and Hercs room. It was 3 am and a distraught John was met face to face with a half awake Lafayette. When John saw their warm face, he broke down and started sobbing; an alarmed Laf pulled John into their dorm and held him as he cried for what seemed like hours. When Laf asked what was wrong, John couldn’t bring himself tell them. He just said that he and Thomas had gotten into a fight and broke up. Laf looked at him like they knew there was something else going on but sighed and continue to rub soothing circles into Johns back until they both fell sleep, curled up together on Lafs floor. Herc must’ve woken up at some point because there was a blanket wrapped around them when Joke woke up the next morning. John refuse to see Thomas, opting to live on Laf an Hercs floor for the last few weeks of the semester, and only stepping foot into his dorm when Thomas was in class to get his things. By the time Thomas returned home, all of Johns stuff was gone. Thomas wasn’t quite sure why John had just disappeared, he remembered very little from that night, but judging from the death glares he got from his old friend Lafayette, he knew it wasn’t good. He left it alone, the only thing he said to them was ″Tell John I’m sorry.″

At the end of the semester John requested a room change, and luckily he got one. That’s what brings us back to now, John was afraid of getting close to Alex; because Alex had the same attractive fire and passion as Thomas. When Alex spoke John was enchanted, he clung tightly onto every word he said. That’s why when Alex walked into his life, John promise himself he would keep his distance.

He refused to Alex break him the same Thomas did

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading please leave me feedback so i can continue to improve!


	3. Chapter 3

″My name is Alexander Hamilton it’s a pleasure to meet all of you″ His voice flooded John’s ears. He stuck his hand out, waiting for someone to shake it. Laf stood up from his position on the bed and hugged him instead; they had always been quite a touchy person.

″ _Mon petite lion_ , I heard you were our dear Laurens new roommate. This is quite exciting, _oui_?″ They exclaimed clutching Alex’s face in their hands. Alex smiled and looked around the room, shooting Hercules a casual smile, they probably knew each other too. When his eyes finally landed on John, he didn’t feel his skin crawl the same way it did when Thomas looked at him for too long. He felt his face flush slightly, an Alex stuck his hand out for John to shake it.

″You must be Laurens, my new roommate. It’s nice to meet you.″ John didn’t shake his hand, just looked at it for a few seconds before waving, smiling slightly, hoping to not make Alex feel bad for not returning the gesture, John just wasn’t big on touching. Sure, he touched Laf and Herc, but he had known them for longer, he felt comfortable around them. He knew that they wouldn’t hurt him.

″John Laurens, it nice to meet you too.″ Alex looked a little disappointed, but didn’t push anything, just awkwardly put his hand back down by his side. Alex looked at everyone’s face again, this time much quicker, ″I’m sorry was I interrupting something?″ John looked down at his feet, not willing to meet Alex’s gaze, he could feel Laf looking at him as well, but he didn’t raise his head.

″ _Non_ , this is your room too. Hercules and I were just leaving.″ John looked up as Laf shot him a quick wave and grabbed Hercs arm and pulling him out of the room. John turned around to continue organizing his desk as Alex shuffled onto his side of the room. They stayed in silence for a while as Alex unpacked his 2 suitcases, and that seemed to be the extent of his things. Once John was sure there was absolutely nothing else he could do to his desk, he picked up his sketch book, a pencil and sat own on his bed. He sat with his back against the wall, and pulled his knees up to his chest, balanced his sketchbook on his knees, and began doodling. John wasn’t sure what he was drawing, just letting his hands do what they wanted. After a few minutes he could see a face start to form, and it became apparent quickly that it was Alex’s face. He looked up to make sure Alex wasn’t watching him, but instead found him engrossed in his computer, his delicate fingers flying across the keys. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was concentrating extremely hard. John giggled, he looked adorable. Alex’s head shot up, and looked around so see John staring at him, a goofy grin plastered on his lips. John could feel his freckles heat up, and notice a small blush creep its way onto Alex’s face as well. They both quickly gave their attention back to their personal projects, and just sat there in silence. Not an uncomfortable silence, but one where they were both content. It was peaceful. The silence was broken by Alex first who had now closed his laptop, giving his full attention to John. John had turned to a new page in his sketch book, and was now doodling little flowers all along his paper.

″So why did you get a new room? I mean you obviously didn’t just transfer from somewhere else, you, Herc and Laf seem to be good friends, and so you obviously went here last semester. Also I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you around campus, but that’s beside the point, I mean you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to its okay I just was curious. And now I’m rambling sorry ill shut up now.″ John looked up from his drawings at Alex, who had his head in his hands. John smiled slightly, and just looked at Alex for a few seconds before responding.

″Hey don’t worry about it Alex, it was just, some personal differences between me and my ex-roommate. ″ That was putting it lightly, but John hadn’t told anyone about what had happened, and he surely wasn’t going to tell some kid he just met. He smiled at Alex, ″Why’d you change rooms?″

Alex looked up and smiled slightly, ″I may or may not have punched him.″ Johns jaw dropped. Oh no. It was going to happen again wasn’t it? It was just Johns luck, being placed with people like this, a lethal combination of enchanting and dangerous. Alex must’ve notice the horror on Johns face because he quickly began to clarify.

″No, no, he deserved it I swear! Lee was being a dickwad to Peggy Schuyler making unwanted sexual advancements at her, and when Eliza stepped in front of him to try to get him to back away from Peggy, he just shoved away like she was nothing! He couldn’t just get away with being an asshole to those girls, so I punched him. It wasn’t in the dorms so technically they couldn’t kick me out of them completely so they just settled with reassigning me.″ His eyes filled with a fiery passion as he spoke, still clearly enraged by the incidents. He was standing up at this point, and began pacing. John unconsciously pushed himself back into the wall farther, trying to put as much distance between him and Alex as possible.

″That makes sense, the Schuyler girls are nice. Angelica kind of scares me though.″ Alex stopped pacing and looked at john, curled in on himself so much he looked he was about to disappear. His face softened and he sat back down onto his bed, trying to make John feel more comfortable. He smiled slightly at that comment, and just shook his head.

″Yeah you defiantly don’t want to get on her bad side.″ John just raised an eyebrow at this comment,

″Do you have firsthand experience with this Hamilton?″ Alex watched him as he began to relax, slowly uncurling his legs from his chest. Alex smiled,

″Not directly, but she threatened to murder me if I broke Elizas heart, which I wouldn’t think twice about her doing to be honest.″

 _Oh_. He was straight. Of course he was straight. Why was John even disappointed about this? He didn’t want to get into that again anyway. But the way Alexander looked at him, it made his stomach do summersaults. But this was better, not only was he straight, but he was dating Eliza Schuyler, and she was so kind. She and John shared a few classes together last semester, they both were majoring in social work. Well technically, John was minoring in social work with a major in Law, but that wasn’t his choice. Eliza really was an amazing woman, and thinking about how happy they probably made each other made Johns heartache.

″Sounds like something she would do.″ Angelica really was an intimidating person, she was the oldest of the 3 Schuyler sisters. She didn’t take shit from anyone, and John admired that, even if she scared him a little. He knew she would never pick a fight without having a bulletproof reason.

Before the conversation could continue, there were a few short knocks on the door, and Alex quickly got up to answer it. Lafayette and Herc were standing at the door, inviting Alex and John to grab some food down in the dining hall. John noted that Laf had change outfits since the last time he had seen them, they were now wearing a long yellow skirt and a plain black top. John rolled his eyes, of course they were the only one able to pull off yellow. John an Alex agreed, slipped on their shoes, and headed out the door. They grabbed their food, John got a few waffles and a banana nut muffin, and sat down at a booth in the corner of the hall. Laf and Herc sat on one side, John and Alex on the other. John made sure he sat on the outside, so he wasn’t trapped in-between the wall and Alex. They were all laughing; talking about what happened over winter break, Lafayette apparently got stuck on a ski lift in the French Alps where they met a really cute boy. Everyone else’s breaks were less dramatic, spent with family and friends. Alex spent all break with the Schuyler′s, he didn’t elaborate on why it wasn’t spent with his own family though. John could feel himself start to relax around Alex, and he was beginning to really enjoy himself.

″John how was break with _ton père_?″ Laf asked, looking at John with genuine interest. He had opened up about how crappy his home life was to Lafayette before. John didn’t like to talk about things like that though, he found that when he did all he was met with were pitying eyes. He didn’t want pity, he just wanted to be treated like a normal person, so he typically tried to close himself off from everyone, even his best friends. Laf had eventually found out about the beatings John got after they pushed a little him too much about it. John was complaining about studying Law, he hated it, and he definitely did not want to go to law school after he finished his undergrad. Lafayette just didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just change his major. Like it was that easy. John had fought so hard just to be able to minor in social work, but agreed to major in law because if he didn’t, he would get cut off from everything. He wouldn’t be able afford to go to school, he wouldn’t be able to see his sibling ever again, and John couldn’t deal with that. Not to mention he was terrified of his father. Laf kept pushing as to why John wouldn’t just stand up for himself, and John broke down. He cried and told Laf about getting beaten for saying anything out of line, sometimes for even looking at his father wrong. Now, whenever John mentioned home, Laf looked at him with concerned eyes, making sure he was alright. It was a kind gesture, not many people were kind to John the way Lafayette and Hercules were.

″I slept most of the time, and he didn’t seem to mind. As long as I wasn’t talking shit things were fine. I just kept my mouth shut.″ Alex looked at John curiously, but John just looked at his hands, refusing to meet his eyes. Lafayette nodded, and thankfully changed the subject, shifting it to something about Hercs break, but John wasn’t really listening anymore at that point. Alex unconsciously put his hand on John’s knee under the table, as if to comfort him in some way. John stiffened, trying not to violently shove Alex away from him. He felt like his insides were starting to boil, and his breath kept getting caught in his throat. After a few seconds of just resting his hand on John’s knee he began to move it up and down his thigh, and that was all it took to send him into a panic. John couldn’t breathe, he tried counting, but _fuck_ , he forgot how to count. How could he forget how to count? He felt like his head was being held underwater, all he could hear around him were the muffled voices of his friends. He flew out of the booth unable to stay sitting in that position any longer, dislodging Alex’s hand, and ran out of the dining hall. He didn’t know where he was going; his vision was so blurry he could barley stay upright. The only thing he knew was that he had to get away as fast as he possibly could. He somehow managed to make his way outside, and snow had begun falling heavily from the night sky. The winter air didn’t seem to have an effect on John he was still overheating from the inside out, the snowflakes melted as soon as they touched his burning skin. He still couldn’t breathe, the cold air made his chest burn every time he tried gasping, attempting to fill his lungs. He ran until he didn’t know where he was anymore, and collapsed onto the snow filled sidewalk. He began to see dark circles around his vision, and he still couldn’t seem catch his fucking breath. He curled in on himself, and then everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no poor John :(
> 
> Google Translated French:  
> Mon petite lion: my little lion  
> Oui: Yes  
> Non: No  
> Ton pere: your father
> 
> The ″D″ key on my keyboard isn't working so if any words are missing their ″D″ please let me know.
> 
> Also were gonna meet Aaron next chapter I am pumped


	4. Chapter 4

John was freezing, his body was shaking uncontrollably. He had no idea where he was, or why he was so fucking cold. He forced his eyelids open, and was met with big dark eyes filled with concern staring down at him. John was oddly comforted by the stranger, and didn’t protest when the man reached down to help him up. John had no idea who this man was, but he was much too tired to try and fight. So he leaned most of his weight onto the stranger, and just let himself be guided into the building in front of them. The whole walk the man didn’t say a word, and John couldn’t tell if this was a bad thing or not, but he was thankful he hadn’t tried to make john speak. John wasn’t sure if he would be able to talk if he tried, his throat was so scratchy and still felt like it was closing up. John had been so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realize they had now reached a dorm room. The man shifted his weight, and reached into his pocket for a set of keys that he quickly shoved into the lock. He pushed the door open, and helped John inside. John tried to say something along the lines of ″Shouldn’t you buy me dinner before taking me back to your room, ″ but his speech was slightly slurred, and he had said it so quietly he wasn’t sure if the man had understood what he said. He heard the man chuckle slightly as he sat him down on the floor of the attached bathroom. John leaned up against the cabinet, too weak to keep himself sitting upright. When he tugged at John’s shirt, trying to pull it off, John flinched and pushed himself back farther into the cabinet, trying to get away. The man sighed, and finally spoke,

″Hey, it’s alright. I’m not going to hurt you. My names Aaron Burr and I saw you collapse into the snow, and I’d really like to help you if you let me. I want to take your wet clothes off and put some dry ones on so you don't get hypothermia. Can I take off your shirt so I can put on this hoodie? ″ He asked, John looked at him tentatively, but slowly nodded, allowing Aaron to slowly take off his soaked t-shirt, and replaced it with a dark blue hoodie that was much too big for John. It was so soft, and John felt like he was finally starting to get warm. Aaron looked at him with inquisitive eyes and then looked down at Johns jeans,

″Would you like me to take off your jeans, or can you do it yourself? ″ John didn’t give a verbal response just removed his jeans and put on the black sweatpants Aaron held out for him. Aaron put on a pair of fuzzy black and white striped socks onto Johns feet. John was warm now, wrapped in Aaron’s oversize clothes, and Aaron helped him to his feet and sat him down on the bed this time. Aaron went over to the attached kitchenette and put a tea kettle onto the stove. After a few minutes he came back over to the bed with a mug full of what smelled like chamomile tea, and held it out for John to grab. John had mostly stopped shaking by now, his hands held only a slight tremor. He pushed his back up against the headboard, pulled his knees up to his chest, and set the mug on his knees to help steady it. He took a few sips of the drink, the tea warming his insides, and helping him calm down even more. He looked up to find Aaron had cleaned up the kitchenette and was now rummaging around in his dresser for something. He pulled out a stack of clothes and went into the bathroom. He emerged a few minutes later in a baggy shirt and basketball shorts, probably his pajamas. He smiled at John and gestured towards his now empty cup of tea. John extended his arm, allowing Aaron to grab the mug and set it into the sink. He came back and sat down next to John, and John curled into Aaron’s side, allowing the larger man to wrap his arms around him. The weight of Aaron’s limbs on him was very comforting, and helped keep John grounded. John was safe here. He fell asleep to the rise and fall of Aaron’s chest.

John woke up somewhere soft, with a warm weight on top of him, not heavy, but just enough to keep him grounded. His bones felt like they were made out of cement, even his eyelids were a weight he couldn’t lift. So he just laid there, listening to the soft hum of what sounded like Beyoncé coming from somewhere, and he was content. The scent of fresh coffee finally forced John to open his eyes. For a few seconds, John had no idea where he was and he began to panic, he sat up quickly, breathing heavily, shoving all the blankets off of him. The next thing he knew there was someone crouching in front of his face. _Aaron_. John remembered the name, remembered last night, and all the events leading up to him waking up in a strangers bed. Aaron squeeze his hands an began to speak,

″Hey, hey you’re okay. Just breathe with me can you do that? ″ John nodded his head an began to follow Aarons lead

″Okay breathe in one, two three. Now breathe out one, two, three. Great, you’re doing s great. Again, breathe in one, two, three, and breathe out one, two, three.″ They stayed like this for a few minutes, Aaron counting while John breathed. After a while, John was able to regain a normal breathing pattern. Aaron got up and filled a mug with coffee, grabbed a muffin and walked back over to John. He placed both into John’s hands and walked back into the kitchenette, trying to give John the illusion of privacy in the tiny dorm room. John looked at the food in his hands for a few seconds before quickly eating the muffin, he took small sips of the coffee in between bites. After a few minutes he was finished, and he could feel the caffeine buzz throughout his system. John swung his feet over the edge of the bed, and carefully put small amounts of weight onto his legs until he was standing up completely. He slowly made his way over to where Aaron was and set his cup into the sink. He turned to face Aaron, who had a big smile on his face. John gave a small smile back, and spoke for the first time since the two men had met.

″Th-thank you.″ His voice came out a little strained, his throat was still a little sore. Aaron smile brightened,

″No problem. How are you feeling this morning? ″

″Better than last night, I’m John by the way. John Laurens.″ John stuck out his hand for Aaron to shake. Aaron chuckled, and shook it.  
  
″It’s nice to meet you John. I washed your clothes, they’re folded and are on the bathroom counter, along with an extra toothbrush. I know that brushing my teeth always makes me feel better.″ John smiled at that, it was such a small act, but it was so kind. He went into the bathroom and put his clothes back on, but opted to keep Aaron's jacket on, without it he felt vulnerable. He brushed his teeth, and Aaron was right, it did make him feel a little bit better. He looked at himself in the mirror, his hair was a mess, his eyes were slightly more sunken in than usual, his tan skin that was usually glowing, was dull. He looked like shit. He pulled his curls back into a messy bun with the hair tie that was around his wrist, and splashed some cold water onto his face. He felt better, so he stepped out of the bathroom. Aaron was sitting on his bed, typing something into his laptop that was set in his lap. He looked up at John, and smiled.

″I plugged your phone into my charger because it was dead, and it buzzed about a million times.″ He stated before returning his attention to his computer. John walked over to the desk where phone was laying and picked it up. 53 texts and 10 missed calls. Shit. They were all from Lafayette and Hercules, and another number he quickly figured out was Alex.

 **From: French Fuck**  
**Where r u?**

 **From: French Fuck**  
**What the fuck I’m so worried r u ok?**

 **From: The Apprentice**  
**Hey man we′re all really worried about you, where’d you go?**

 **From: Alex**  
**Whatever I did I’m sorry but were all lowkey freaking out about you, where are you???**

All the other texts where all along those same lines, and the voicemails were basically the same thing, but the worry in everyone’s voices was extremely apparent. John shot all three of them a quick ″I’m fine.″ before turning his phone on ′do not disturb′, not wanting to deal with anyone right now. He turned to look at Aaron, who was engrossed in watching something on his laptop, and so John crawled into the bed next to him, put his head on Aarons shoulder, and watched with him. He was watching scrubs, and smiled with John curled up next to him. They sat there just watching for a few hours, until John finally spoke.

″Can I tell you something? ″ Aaron nodded looking over at him curiously, but John’s eyes were still glued onto the laptop screen, refusing to meet his gaze.  
  
″I’m about to tell you my life story, an honestly I don’t know why, but I just really need to get this off of my chest. Just please let me finish. When I was 9 my mom died due to complications with the birth of my youngest sibling, who died shortly after her. After that, my father became very physically abusive. If I talked back, I got beat. If I got in trouble at school, I got beat. If I looked at him the wrong way, I got beat. I never let him touch my 2 other siblings, they were too young, so I took all their beatings too. When I got to college, I was determined to make things better. I was gonna stand up for myself, and I wasn’t going to be afraid anymore. That’s when I met my roommate and I fell head over heels for him. And everything was perfect. I had a group of friends who I loved, I had a boyfriend who I was pretty sure I was in love with, and my life finally seemed to be going the way I wanted it too. Then over thanksgiving break, I decided to stay up here in New York instead of going back own to South Carolina. Me and my boyfriend went to a party were he got extremely wasted. I wasn’t nearly as drunk as him, and so I decided it was time for us to leave. We went back to the dorm, and he got physical. Really physical. The next morning when he was sober he cried and cried when he saw what he had done, and swore it would never happen again. And I was a fool, because I believe him. But it did happen, it happened every time he got drunk, which seemed to be more and more frequently. Until one night he- he -″ John was sobbing so hard at this point he couldn’t talk. Aaron just held him tighter until his crying came back down to a manageable level, but Aaron was so afraid of what was going to happen next that he felt like he really needed to vomit. But he didn’t, and he let John continue

″He raped me. I felt the way I did the day I hear that my mother died. I felt the same way I did the first time my father hit me. I felt so fucking helpless. I didn’t know what to do, so I left. I slept on my friend’s floor the rest of the semester. And do you wanna know the worst part? He was so blackout drunk I don’t even think he knows what he did to me.″ John was sobbing again, clinging tightly onto Aaron. Aaron, a man he had just met. Aaron, a stranger who was so kind that he took care of john without even knowing him. Aaron, who he was pouring his heart out to. John suddenly realized he had opened himself up to Aaron more than anyone else in his whole life. Why did he do that? God how could he be so stupid? He quickly tried to get out of Aarons hug, but Aaron just held him tighter. After a few minutes of unsuccessful struggle, John gave up, and snuggled back into Aaron’s side.

“Thank you for telling me, that was very brave of you.” Aaron was looking at him now, eyes not nearly as concerned as they were. John was so grateful. Somehow, this person he had met a day before was now probably his best friend. John just hoped Aaron wouldn’t hurt him. Everyone always ends up hurting him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is still a little sad, but i love Aaron a lot. Also Aaron and Johns friendship is going to be completely platonic throughout the rest of the story.  
> I really enjoy y'alls feed back so please tell me what you think!  
> Now that Aaron is in the picture things will start to get better for little John i promise.  
> Next chapter, John has to face his friends (oh no, so this one will be a little sad)


	5. Chapter 5

Would it be weird to knock on your own door? John thought that it probably was, but there he was, standing in front of his dorm, contemplating on whether or not he should really be doing this. That was stupid, he knew he would have to face Alex sooner or later. He’d spent all day with Aaron, and he felt okay for the first time in a long time. He had also met Aaron’s girlfriend Theodosia, who was just as beautiful as her name sounded. She had long dark wavy hair that cascaded down her back. She had bright sparkling eyes that had so much love in them when they looked at Aaron. She was also just as sweet as Aaron, if not sweeter. Aaron had texted her about John being with him, and she made him snickerdoodle cookies, and brought all of the Harry Potter movies, and they had a marathon. It was the best day he’s had in a long time. He’d much rather be in Aarons bed curled up next to him and Theo than standing outside of his dorm room too nervous to go inside. Finally, after what seemed like hours, John summoned all the courage he required, and opened the door.

He was met with stares from three different sets of eyes. Herc and Laf were cuddled together on the floor, leaning back against John’s bed watching something in French on Netflix. Alex was sprawled out on his own bed, furiously typing away on his laptop. _Crap_. This was not how this day was supposed to go. He was planning on facing them one at a time, not all at once. He looked around all at their faces, their expressions unreadable. John turned and closed the door behind him, and took a deep breath,

“Hey.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You disappeared for a whole day! _Ce que le baiser_ John? We were worried sick, and all you have to saw for yourself is hey! That’s _connerie_!” Lafayette’s voice continued to increase as he started walking over to John. John’s heartbeat quickened and he flinched and propelled himself backwards, slamming into the door. Laf stopped, because now John was shaking, and then they realized.

“Oh, John, _merde_ I’m so sorry. It’s okay I won’t hurt you.” Laf took a few steps backwards, trying to give John space. John counted until he could catch his breath, the panic starting to subside once his body realized it wasn’t in danger anymore. He stood there silently for a few minutes until he felt like he could talk without crying

“Oh, uh, yeah I should probably explain.” John ran a hand through his hair, giving a nervous laugh. He walked over to his bed and sat down, and pushed himself so he could lean his back against the wall. He grabbed his big stuffed turtle and pulled it into his lap so he could have something to comfort himself. He looked down and fiddled with his turtle, not meeting any of their gazes.

“I guess it really started with my dad but I don’t really feel like getting into that shit, he was an abusive asshole and that’s really all that needs to be said about that. But uh, Thomas and I broke up because he is also an abusive asshole so.” John said nonchalantly, like it wasn’t something he’s been hiding for almost two months. He looked up to find Hercs face full of anger, through John hoped it wasn’t directed at him, Lafs face was sympathetic, but he could tell they were enraged as well, and Alex’s face was very confused, but also like he was ready to fight someone.

“That fucker I’ll kill him.” Herc was absolutely fuming, and it put John on edge. Hercules was big, and when men like that got angry, it never worked out well for John. Herc noticed Johns apprehension and softened,

“Hey it’s okay, I’m not gonna hurt you. But if I see Jefferson I’ll probably give him a black eye.”

“Wait – you dated Jefferson? He’s such an asshole, god now next time we get into an argument I definitely will punch him. I hate that guy so much.”

“Welcome to the club.” This got a slight chuckle out of John.

“ _Mon ami_ why didn’t you tell us? We could’ve helped!” John just shrugged his shoulders, tugging on the ends of the sleeves of Aaron’s sweatshirt.

“I dunno, I just didn’t want to bother y’all.” Laf sat down next to John, and slowly reached out to put their arm around John, trying to be gentle so they wouldn’t startle him.  
“ _Mon amour_ , you would never bother us. We love you, we just want to help you.”

“I know, I know I just, it’s hard for me to open up to people.” John just continued to fiddle with his sleeves, and Hercules sat down on the other side of john, wrapping his arm around John’s shoulders as well. Alex came over, and laid across all three of their laps. This made John laugh, causing all the rest of his best friends to laugh as well. Alex lifted his head from its position of Lafs lap and looked at John.

“For whatever I did to make you run off I’m really sorry.” John reached over and patted his head, running his hands through his hair. Fuck, his hair was so soft. John could sit there and run his hands through his messy waves for hours. He stopped after a few seconds though so that it wouldn’t be weird, because they were just friends. That’s all they would ever be, just friends.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I just, unexpected touching sends me into panic, and it was just really bad because I’d only just met you. Don’t worry, once I get used to you it will be better. How about I give you a hug, because now I know you probably won’t hurt me?” Alex looked at John tenitivly for a few seconds before hoping off of every ones laps. John hoped off the bed and wrapped his arms around the smaller man. Alex was a little bit apprehensive at first, he was hugging him like he was afraid braking John. John hugged Alex tighter, and Alex relaxed into the hug. Alex smelled like coffee and coconut shampoo, and john never wanted to let that scent go. After what was probably longer than necessary, they pulled away, Alex had a goofy smile on his face and the apples of his cheeks were pink. _That wasn’t from the hug was it? Oh no it was probably just hot in here. Yeah that was definitely it, it was getting hotter in here by the second._

“Where did you run off to anyway, because I’m almost pretty sure that’s not your sweatshirt?” Johns cheeks got warm as he looked down at Aarons sweatshirt then back up at Herc.  
“Oh yeah, I met this guy who knew how to deal with a panic attack, and he sort of calmed me down and helped me a lot.” Aaron was kind of amazing.

“Who is this new _mon ami_ so I can tell him _merci_ for taking care of our little John?”

“Aaron Burr.” All three of his friends seemed to perk up at this name.

“Oui! I know him. He was in our Introduction to American Politics class last semester, didn’t really speak much.”

“Yeah, he’s not very forthcoming on any particular stances, which when you’re me, is very infuriating.” This made John laugh, of course that’s what Alex would focus in on.

“His girlfriend Theodosia is amazing, and around her is the only time I’ve seen Burr talk more than a few sentences.” Herc smiled, obviously remembering Theo, she really was quite amazing.

“Yeah, I met Theo, she’s nicer than Aaron, if that’s even possible.” John sat down on the floor, leaning his back up against his bed. Laf came over and began braiding his hair. Alex sat down next to him, and leaned his head on Johns shoulder. He was content to stay like this, his three best friends by his side and he felt like he could do anything. Hopefully this good would last, because nothing good ever lasts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little bit shorter than the rest, and mostly dialouge heavy, sorry about that.  
> Also i love Theodosia shes great, and she and Aaron basically adopted John because his dads shitty so  
> Also I'm using the musical descriptions of the characters so technically, Lin is taller than Anthony, but i can not picture the idea of Alex being taller than John  
> This isn't that sad, and a more angsty than the rest, and there's more angst to come  
> Yes, John did say y'all, he's from the south, I'm from the south, fight me  
> All of y'alls (see i cant help it) comments make me smile so much, and i do read all of them, so keep commenting please :)  
> Google Translated French:  
> Ce que le baiser John - What the fuck John  
> Connerie - Bullshit  
> Merde- shit


	6. Chapter 6

Four weeks flew by in the blink of an eye. John spent his days attempting to not drown in homework. Whenever he and Alex weren’t locked in up in their room writing essays till the sun rose, they were hanging out with the rest of what they’ve nicknamed the “Revolutionary Crew.” This group included John, Alex, Lafayette, Hercules, Aaron and the Schuyler sisters, and John had gotten so close to all of them.

John was entranced by everything Alex did. The man was nonstop, he put every ounce of himself into everything he did. His eyes we constantly lit with passion, a flame no one could seem to control. He sparkled brighter than the sun, basking John in warm light every time they were near each other. John was relaxed around him, no longer sent into spirals of panic whenever they touched. Now John longed to be touched by Alex. He longed to have Alex trace the freckles sprinkled all across his body, to hold his hands. Alex’s hands were vastly different than Thomas’. They were soft and delicate, when they touched Johns body they left a burning sensation. Not in the way Thomas’ hands left John wanting to crawl out of his skin, but when Alex’s hands left Johns body, he wanted to put them back immediately. John was left staring at Alex’s mouth more often than he would like to admit. He loved to watch when Alex went off on a tangent because his lips looked so soft, and John had to hold himself back from kissing him.

Whenever John wasn’t with Alex, he was probably with Aaron. John loved Aaron, he was like the brother John never had. He always looked out of him, made sure he was okay. Aaron was the nicest person John had ever met, everything he did was to help other people.

John was sitting on Aaron’s bed, watching an episode of the office, but Aaron wasn’t with him. Actually Aaron was off picking up food for them, they were starving but neither could cook for shit. It was 3am, and the only place that seemed to be open was the 24-hour dinner that was a few blocks from campus. It didn’t feel like very long before the door was being reopened, but John didn’t look up at first, he knew it was Aaron.

“Wow, that was fast, what did you do sprint there?” The voice that giggled was way too deep to be Aarons, and John looked up to see who else it could be. Aaron’s roommate was supposed to be out partying, and was supposed to crash at his friends afterwards. John let out a chocked scream because standing in front of him were Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, the smell of whiskey was practically seeping out of every pore of their bodies. No, this wasn’t what was supposed to happen. Madison was Aaron’s roommate, he knew that, but they’ve never been alone in the same room since he and Thomas broke up. James walked over and plopped himself down onto his bed, a few seconds later small snores could be heard from his body.

Thomas turned to look at John, a smirk plastered on his stupid face. _No, no stop_. John wanted to get up and run, he needed to run. He could feel his breath get caught in his throat, but he couldn’t move. Thomas stumbled his way over to where John was curled on Aarons bed and sat down next to him. He leaned his head so he could whisper is Johns ear, his southern accent thicker because of the alcohol,

“Aw baby I’ve missed you.” John felt like screaming, felt like dying. This couldn’t be happening. Things were going so well, he didn’t think Thomas could ruin them again. But here they are, john frozen in terror, Thomas drunk, and no one around to stop it. John was shaking like a leaf, unable to control himself, but he didn’t move. Thomas didn’t like it when John fought back. He felt a rough hand on his face, and it slowly moved down his throat and rest on his collar bone. He was being shoved onto his back, and a massive weight was being placed on top of him. John knew he was crying at this point, could feel the hot tears rolling down his face, but he didn’t feel like sobbing. He closed his eyes in attempt to stop the tears from flowing. He felt numb, felt like no matter what he did, shitty things would always happen to him. He couldn’t move, he felt like cotton balls were shoved in his ears and his head was being held underwater. He barley registered muffled yelling coming from somewhere, then the weight was off of him, cold air flooded his senses and his eyes flew open. He watched as Aaron practically threw Thomas out of the room, yelling something, and then the door was being slammed. Aaron turned to look at John, all the anger that was previously held in his eyes was quickly replaced with worry. Aaron practically ran back over to the bedside, and crouched down so he and John were eye level. John watched his mouth move, speaking fast, hoping John would respond. The ringing in his ears was still so loud John had no idea what he was saying. John was only thinking about one thing, he responded in a voice barely above a whisper,

“Alex.” Aaron nodded and pulled out his phone and quickly dialed. The phone rang for a time that seemed to last for hours until Alex finally picked up. He and Aaron talked for only about a minute before the phone was hung up and Aaron was back at John’s side. John closed his eyes, exhausted. All he wanted to do right now was curl up into a ball and simply stop existing. He didn’t know how long he stayed curled in on himself until and hand was placed on his cheek, and John flinched away as quickly as possible. His eyelid flew open, expecting to be back face to face with his attacker, but instead was met with a pair of beautiful dark eyes. Oh he could write sonnets about those eyes. He whimpered as Alex drew his hand back, not wanting to cause John anymore harm. John reached out and pulled Alex down next to him, and curled into his side. Alex was stiff at first, he didn’t want to send John into another fit of panic, but relaxed after a few seconds of John curling into him even more. Alex wrapped him in a deep hug, rubbing soothing circles onto Johns back as he sobbed into Alex’s chest. Alex smelled like coffee and pen ink, and John could feel himself relaxing into the familiar boy. They stayed like that for what seemed like hours while John calmed down. When he felt like he could breathe again, he pulled away and looked into Alex’s eyes. They really were quite something, and John felt like he could stare into his eyes for hours.

“Hi”

“Hi”

“How’re you?”

“Better now that you’re here.” John could’ve sworn he saw the faint hint of a blush on his cheeks, but he must’ve been imagining it. Alex rested his head in Johns curls and took a deep breath,

“You scared me, getting a call from Aaron at 4 in the morning is not something I ever want to happen again.” Shit. It was only 4 am? He didn’t mean to wake Alex up, or worry him. Alex barley slept as it was, he didn’t want to be the reason for him to loose even more. He mumbled a little “I’m sorry” into Alex chest and Alex pulled away slightly to look him in the eye,

“No, don’t be sorry. If you need something, no matter what time it is or where I am, call me. I will be there.” John nodded, how was Alex even real? After a few more minutes of being wrapped up in Alex’s arms, John sighed and sat up. He rubbed his eyes and looked around to find Aaron eating a cheeseburger and texting. Aaron looked up and gave John a reassuring smile and went back to his phone.

“Do you want to stay here or go back to the dorm?” Alex asked him, and John answered back quickly, barley having to think about his reply,

“Home.” Alex smiled at him and hopped out of bed. John followed, but more gingerly, legs still a little shaky. After a few seconds he regained his strength and grabbed Alex’s hand as the smaller boy started to lead them out of the room. Aaron stood up to open the door as they went by, and John let go of Alex’s hand and quickly wrapped Aaron in a big hug. Aaron was caught off guard at first, but quickly hugged back. John whispered into his ear,

“Thank you, I love you so much.” Aaron smiled and hugged John tighter, murmured an

“I love you too.” They let go after a few seconds, and quickly grabbed Alex’s hand again, and allowed himself to be guided out of Aarons dorm. Alex’s hand was soft, and gave John reassuring squeezes as they walked back to their dorm. Once they got home John almost immediately collapsed onto his bed, drained from the panic attack. He didn’t let go of Alex’s hand though, and pulled the other boy down onto his bed as well. John curled up next to Alex, and Alex brought up the blankets on johns bed to put around them. They stayed like this, John snuggled into Alex’s chest, and Alex running his fingers through Johns hair, until John fell asleep. His dreams were filled with a certain boy with dark hair and breathtaking eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to update, I've been swamped with school and i was just sort of at a writers block.  
> I'm only planning on maybe one more chapter? idkidk  
> i definitely did not proof this so if there are any major grammatical mistakes please let me know


	7. Chapter 7

While at first John seemed to be handling the situation quite well, but as the next few weeks went by that assumption was proved completely wrong. The milestones he had made in allowing himself to open up to people were all but erased. He started to flinch whenever people touched him again, and he felt like sobbing every time he saw how upset it seemed to make everyone. Rationally John knew that the sadness and anger his friends felt wasn’t directed at him, it was directed at Thomas, but that didn’t make the sting any better.

John detached from everyone, he detached from feeling alive. He didn’t want to feel the panic that had seemed to settle in his chest, he didn’t want to feel anything at all. He buried himself in his school work, every moment that wasn’t spent in class or studying, was spent in his bed. He barely left his bed anymore, he didn’t want to face the worried looks from all his friends. He knew that shutting everyone out like this wasn’t fair, they didn’t do anything wrong, but John didn’t want to feel vulnerable again. He had let his guard down, allowed himself to feel safe, to feel like nothing bad could happen again. He had opened himself up and the world had punished him. He realized that no matter what he did, he didn’t deserve the good that had seemed to make its way into his life. He didn’t deserve the happiness he felt. He didn’t deserve any of it.

The one person John hadn’t been able to successfully push away was Aaron, and it was mainly because Aaron simply didn’t give him the choice. A few days after the ‘incident’, Aaron came over to the dorm, set up his laptop, put on some early 2000’s teen movie (John was a sucker for those movies), shoved a box of takeout into his hands, and sat next to him on the bed, close enough that they could both watch the laptop from where it was situated on Aarons lap, but far enough that they weren’t touching. He didn’t give John the choice to kick him out, to refuse to watch the movie, to refuse to eat the food, he just did it. They did things like this for the next few weeks, Aaron making sure John ate every day, made sure he bathed every few days, made sure he did basic things like change clothes and brush his teeth. Without Aaron, John wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the mornings.

The person that he felt the worse about shutting out was Alex, his sweet Alex, who had done nothing but take care of him. He felt like he was stabbing himself in the chest every time he ignored Alex’s pleas to hang out with him, to just get out of the dorm. He felt like he was ripping his own heart out of his chest every time Alex tried to cuddle and sooth him, and John just flinched away. He wanted nothing more than to be able to curl up next to Alex and breathe in the cherry blossom detergent that Alex used. He wanted to open up to Alex, to allow Alex to see every part of him, to see the good and the bad. He wanted to be able to sit and talk about the weather over a cup of coffee, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let his guard down for every cute boy who claimed to care about him.

He knew Alex didn’t care about him. He knew that Alex just felt bad because John was his roommate. He knew Alex was straight, every time they hung out with Eliza, she and Alex flirted endlessly. He knew that there was no way someone like Alex could like a human disaster named John. He knew all of this, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t notice little things like the way that Alex’s face fell every time John refused to leave the dorm, or the way his eyes lit up every time John looked at him directly.

Alex’s efforts to take care of John seemed to dwindle as the weeks went on. At first, Alex tried so hard to be there for John, to try and get him to leave, tried to get him to eat more. After weeks of refusal, and eventual simple ignoring, Alex stopped. He stopped trying, and John didn’t know if he should feel relieved, or heartbroken. Alex was finally leaving him alone, only bothering him on small things, like assignments or cleaning the dorm. But that also meant that Alex didn’t care about him anymore. He had effectively pushed away the one person he wanted to be with all the time.  
  
John missed his friends. He missed laughing with them, getting coffee with them, watching bad movies with them. He missed Eliza’s honey sweet laugh, he missed Peggy’s bad ‘your mom’ jokes, and he missed the way Angelica braided his hair. He missed the way Lafayette never failed to smell like bread and vanilla, and the way Hercules’ eyes lit up every time John laughed.

Most of all he missed Alex. He missed the way Alex held his hand for longer than necessary. He missed the way Alex didn’t bother to do his hair, and it always ended up in the most adorable messy bun. He missed the way Alex sometimes liked to trace his fingers over Johns freckles. He missed the way that when Alex got sleepy, he beautifully mumbled things in French. He missed Alex’s laugh. He missed looking into Alex’s eyes. He missed cuddling with Alex on nights one of them couldn’t sleep. He missed the way Alex smelled, and missed running his hands through Alex’s hair.

He missed everything about Alex.

He wanted nothing more than to curl up next to Alex and fall asleep to the rhythm of his heart. But he was afraid. John was so afraid of getting hurt. He was falling for Alex harder than he fell for anyone. He was falling for Alex harder than he fell for Thomas, and that was petrifying. He fell for Thomas, and all Thomas did was hurt him. He didn’t want to be vulnerable, and have it end up with him in a pool of his own blood on the floor. John was scared and all he wanted was Alex to tell him that everything was going to be okay.

But here he was, pretending to be asleep to avoid looking at Alex, because he was afraid that if he looked Alex in the eyes, he would break down. He would melt, and let Alex see every part of himself, the good and the bad. He would let him in, and he was afraid of getting hurt.

“Hey John, are you awake?” John didn’t answer. He wanted to say yes, wanted to turn around and just talk to Alex for hours, but he didn’t. He heard Alex sigh, and it felt like a piece of his heart was plucked out of his chest.

“I miss you.” He heard Alex whisper, and John quietly sobbed into his pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this chapter was super angsty  
> There's gonna be a few more chapters, i finish school on the 3rd so updates should happen more frequently after that  
> also poor john :(  
> i project all of my feelings onto characters and i've been very depressed lately so that just means i torture John sorry :(


	8. Chapter 8

The next few days after hearing Alex’s confession were hard for John. He was hurting his best friend, but he didn’t know how to stop. He didn’t know how to just open back up to someone he has spent weeks shutting out. He knew he had to do something, because he couldn’t lose Alex. He couldn’t lose the one person he could honestly see himself spending the rest of his life with.

He started out by doing little things, like looking Alex in the eye when they talked. Oh how he had missed Alexander’s eyes. They were intelligent, and beautiful, but there was something missing. His eyes were darker than usual, the light that used to ignite his passion wasn’t quite there. John knew he was to blame for Alexander losing his light, knew it was because he was hurting his best friend. So John made the effort to look him in the eye, and not look away. He knew Alex loved it, his face lit up every time John did it, and seeing Alexander so happy only gave John more of a reason to continue. The next few days John saw the light slowly make its way back into his eyes.

It continued when John began to talk to Alex more. He began to try and hold a conversation outside of the usual ‘how was your day?’ ‘fine’ and ‘have you eaten today?’ ‘yes’. It began when John asked about the book Alex was reading. Alex looked up, slightly startled by the sudden engagement, but smiled and quickly talked about it. John smiled and nodded along, not really paying much attention to what exactly Alex was saying, but was instead soaking up the way his voice sounded. It was smooth and filled John with all sorts of warmth as each word flooded over him. He loved the way that when Alex talked fast, his accent slipped through. Alex made such a conscious effort to try and conceal his accent, he had told John he thought that it made people think he was stupid, but John disagreed. He loved Alexander’s accent, loved the way it made everything sound. The next few conversations were instigated by John, as Alex was still unsure how far the new extent of John’s talkativeness went. After talking a few more times about things like eggs, and TV shows they were watching, Alex felt comfortable enough to start his own conversations. They were slowly slipping back into their old routines, and John was so happy.

Once spring break rolled around, the boys had learned that they were both going to be staying in the dorms for the week. All of their friends were heading off campus for spring break. The Schuyler’s were going off on some sister bonding trip, Lafayette was flying back to France to visit their family, Aaron and Theodosia were going back to Theo’s parents’ house, and Hercules was going to visit his own family. Most of the campus was deserted, and it seemed to provide some sort of oasis for Alex and John. John was much more comfortable without tons of people around. He was excited to be able to spend it with Alex, because he wanted to try and continue to reconnect with him. They had gotten so close before the ‘incident’, and John wanted to be like that again. Truthfully he wanted to be more than that, but being Alex’s best friend was better than being his distant roommate.

On the second night of break, a big storm decided to roll in. Rain was pouring non-stop all day, lightning brightened up the dark sky, and thunder was so loud it shook the building. John spent most of the day at the library, trying to finish up a paper that wasn’t technically due until after break, but John knew that if he waited it wouldn’t get done till an all-nighter was pulled the night before. Normally Alex would’ve joined him, he never missed an opportunity to get ahead on schoolwork, but that particular day, he didn’t. Alex had claimed he wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to sleep, so John had let him. That should’ve been Johns first clue that something wasn’t right, but he didn’t notice.

John went home around 6pm, his clothes soaked even though he had an umbrella. He wanted to see if Alex wanted to go grab some dinner, but when he opened the door all the lights were turned off and there was a small lump under Alex’s covers on his bed. John smiled slightly, happy that Alex was finally getting some sleep, because the boy barely slept and ran fueled by coffee and pure determination. John quickly got changed into some dry sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt, sat back down on his bed and pulled out his phone to scroll through twitter. It wasn’t until thunder boomed that John heard the whimpering and small sobs coming from Alex.

“Alex, are you okay?” John didn’t get an actual reply, but when the thunder boomed again and John heard another small sob escape from the smaller boy, John knew that he wasn’t. He quickly went over and kneeled down next to Alex’s bed, and put his hand on Alex’s head. The smaller boy flinched slightly, but didn’t pull away, so John began to run his hands through Alex’s hair. After a few minutes Alex relaxed a little bit, and turned to look at John. The state that Alex was in broke John’s heart, his eyes were blood shot from crying all day and his cheeks were flushed and tear stained. Alex tried to smile at John, but his smile was watery and broken, and it physically hurt John to see Alex like this.

“I don’t like storms.” Alex’s voice was hoarse from crying. John smiled softly at him, and moved his hands to wipe a tear away from his cheek. Alex slightly nuzzled into his hand, and John slightly imploded on the inside, _god he is adorable_.

There was another loud clap of thunder and Alex whimpered. John gestured to the bed, silently asking if it was okay if John crawled in next to him. Alex scooted over and John layed down and pulled Alex close to his chest. He breathed in overly deep and tried to get Alex to match his breathing. After a few minutes Alex’s breathing evened out and he shifted to look up at John and smiled more easily than before, “Hey, thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” John smiled back at Alex, and went back to gently running his fingers through Alex’s hair. They stayed like that until he noticed Alex’s eyes close, and smiled as the younger boy fell asleep. Not long after that John felt his own eyelids start to get heavy, and fell asleep tangled up with Alexander’s limbs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided not to torture John in this chapter, but that just means i tortured Alex.  
> but there were cuddles!!  
> this chapter was a little shorter than usual, but thats okay i still like it  
> please comment, i read all of them, they make me smile :)


	9. Chapter 9

John woke up with the weight of another body practically on top of his own. He opened his eyes and was met with a face full of dark hair, and John remembered what happened last night. _Alexander_. He wanted to move the hair out of his face, wanted to run his hands down Alex’s cheeks, but most of all John didn’t want to wake Alex up. He wanted to let the smaller boy sleep, wanted to stay curled up next to him for the rest of their lives. He felt so warm, and felt safe for the first time in weeks. Unfortunately, whenever they fell asleep next to each other they could somehow always sense when the other person woke up, and would wake up not to soon after.

Alex stirred, rubbed the sleep out of eyes, and pulled away slightly to look at John. John almost shivered from the loss of Alex’s body heat and the cold air of their dorm that suddenly hit his chest. Alex left their legs intertwined, not ready to get out of bed just yet. John looked at Alex, his eyes were still a little red, and his cheeks slightly puffy, but he looked relaxed. The panic that was carved into his face last night was gone. John smiled at Alex, and moved a piece of hair that had fallen in Alex’s face behind his ear. Alex’s cheeks turned pink, and _oh my god did I do that_?

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Better thanks to you.” It was Johns turn to blush, and Alex just beamed at him, his smile warming John’s insides. Whenever Alex smiled it felt like he was the sun, and John was flooded with warmth whenever he was the reason that Alex was smiling. John really didn’t want to ruin this moment, didn’t want to make Alexander sad again. But John knew that if he didn’t want to re-live the sheer horror of seeing Alexander in so much pain, he had to figure out what happened.

“Alex can I ask you a question?” Alex laid his head back down onto John’s chest and gave a soft hum in response.

“Why don’t you like storms?” John could feel Alex stiffen, and John reached up to run his fingers through Alex’s hair to try and comfort him. After a few seconds Alex let out a labored breath and answered, his voice a little shaky.

“When I was 17 a hurricane destroyed my home. The hurricane ripped away everything familiar, until the island was nothing but water and garbage. So many people died, I watched everyone I know die, but-” Alex had to stop because he was crying too hard. John pulled him closer, trying to comfort the shaking boy. Sobs racked through his body, and John couldn’t help but notice how their roles we reversed. Normally John would be the sobbing mess and Alex would be the strong one. That thought hurt John even more, because for once Alex wasn’t strong. John had to be the strong one, he had to comfort Alex. He rubbed soothing circles onto his back with one hand, and ran his other hand through Alex’s hair. After a few minutes Alex was able to speak clearly again.

“I couldn’t seem to die. I almost drowned a few times and I watched people around me drown. I watched as trees were ripped from the ground and all I could hear for days was screaming. I got pinned under debris and wasn’t found for a few days. I just really don’t like storms.” John just held Alex closer for a little while after that, murmuring _I’m sorry_ and _you’re safe here_ quietly.

Alex lifted his head up to look at John again, and smiled. He lifted his hand up to trace patterns with Johns freckles, and John just moved his head towards the touch. They stayed like that for a while, Alex tracing John’s freckles, and John just silently watching him. Whenever John tried to smile he got a light slap and was told it was ruining the patterns. Alex was the first one to pull away, and all of John’s face was burning from where Alex had been touching it.

“Thank you.” John looked at Alex, slightly confused as to why Alex was thanking him.

“For what?”

“For helping me, for comforting me. I know things have been hard for you, and I know touching people has been hard for you, but you don’t know how much you calmed me down last night.” John reached up and cupped the side of Alex’s face, and ran his thumb along Alex’s cheekbone.

“You’ve done the same for me. I know you would never intentionally hurt me, I care about you so much and I couldn’t just let you suffer.” Alex was looking at John with twinkling eyes. The way Alex was looking at John, like he had put the sun in the sky, made him want to kiss Alex. He looked down at Alex’s lips, that were slightly chapped, but John wanted to kiss him nonetheless. His eyes lingered on Alex’s lips for what was probably a few seconds to long, and before he knew it, Alex was leaning down towards John. _Oh my god_ , John’s brain was becoming fuzzy because, _oh my god was this really happening_ , and Johns hand was still cupping Alex’s face and he was unconsciously bringing Alex’s head down with his hands. They were a few inches apart, their noses touching, when Alex’s phone started to blare his annoying ringtone.

Alex quickly pulled away, and pulled himself off of John completely, and John shivered at the loss of Alex’s warm body. As the younger boy was scrambling to find the ringing phone buried somewhere under clothes pilled on the floor, John could feel his stomach drop, because he didn’t get to kiss Alex. After a few frantic seconds, Alex finally found his phone and answered it, but quickly pulled it away from his hear, a grimace on his face. John could hear someone screaming something in rapid French, and Alex conversed with him in French for a minute before sighing and hanging up.

“Sorry, that was my partner for a project for my politics class that’s due right after break and he is freaking out because something of mine didn’t save correctly or something I don’t know, I have to go, I’m sorry.” Alex stood up, still dressed in his clothes from yesterday.

“It’s okay, he needs you.” Alex smiled apologetically at John, pulled his hair into a bun, slipped on some vans and quickly walked out the door. Once the door shut John let out a sigh and just laid in bed for a few minutes. Alex’s bed smelled like him, and John felt like crying, because he had missed probably the only chance he’ll ever get to kiss Alex. He sighed again and crawled out of bed, grabbed his shower caddy, a change of clothes, and headed for the showers at the end of the hall. All of the freshman had to share bathrooms, while all the other upper classman got their own bathrooms attached to their dorms. John was always extremely jealous of Aaron, because he was a sophomore and thus got his own bathroom, which was a hundred times nicer than the one John had to share with the rest of the floor.

He ran a shower that was so hot, it was probably on the brink of scalding, but John didn’t care. He could still feel Alex, feel his body pressed against him, could feel his fingers on his face, could feel his nose touching his own. He sighed and washed his hair with coconut shampoo that he had stolen from Alex. _Alexander_.

John was still afraid of getting hurt, but his fears were slowly being quieted. He knew that Alex would never intentionally hurt him. He knew that Alex would do everything he could to protect John, to make him feel safe, because he already did that. Wrapped up in Alex’s arms was the safest John had ever felt, and he never wanted to lose that feeling. He needed to kiss Alexander. Needed to make him understand how much he loved him.

 _Love_. John loved Alex. He took a deep breath with the sudden realization that this was more than just a crush, but he was in love with his best friend. That was terrifying, but the idea of being with Alex outweighed the fear. He needed to tell Alex. He needed to tell Alex before break was over, while it was just the two of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay dont hate me, at least this one isnt sad.  
> im planning on finishing this fic with a nice and even 10 chapters, so only one more to go.  
> please comment, i love them so much.


	10. Chapter 10

The rest of the week Alex avoided John like he was the plague. Ever since their almost kiss, Alex hasn’t spent more than a few hours alone with John, busying himself with his school work. By the time Friday rolled around, John had yet to confess his love to the whirlwind that was his best friend.

John knew it was now or never, so when Alex got home from the library that evening, he asked Alex to go and grab some dinner. Alex looked up from his phone slightly startled at the invitation. He didn’t respond for a few seconds, looking down at his phone, and then back up to John. He smiled at John, but he could tell that the smile was forced.

“Sure.” John got up and put on his shoes, threw on his windbreaker and followed Alex out of their dorm. The walk to the dining hall was filled with unpleasant silence, and John just couldn’t figure out what had made Alexander so upset that he could barely even look at him.

When they finally arrived at the dining hall, they loaded food onto their plates and sat at their normal booth in the back. It was still break, and so the dining hall was pretty dead, only one other person besides John and Alex were there, and they seemed to be too engrossed in their book to notice anything. Neither of the boys really seemed to be interested in their food. John finally looked at Alex and the other boy was still pushing his food around on his plate.

“Did I do something to upset you?” Alex looked up at John, his eyebrows furrowed. He tilted his head and responded,

“What?” His voice sounded so small, and it just made John feel worse. What did he do to hurt Alex, his sweet, beautiful Alexander.

“It’s just, you’ve been avoiding me, and I’m sorry for whatever I did, I just want to know what’s made you so upset so I don’t do it again.” Alex just sighed and put his head in his hands. He ran his hands through his hair, undoing the messy bun, and allowing his hair to curtain his face. He stayed like that for a few minutes before John spoke again.

“Alexander please look at me.” Alex did, and he just looked so sad. John wanted to scream, why did he look like that?! He wanted to cuddle him and kiss all his problems away.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it-it’s stupid.” John reached over to place his hands on Alexanders hands, trying to give the boy some kind of comfort. Alex broke eye contact and looked back down at the table where their hands were resting.

“Whatever you’re feeling is valid and it’s not stupid. Please tell me.” Alex turned his palm over and intertwined their fingers, so now they were holding hands on the tabletop. Alex was still staring at their hands when he started to talk.

“I think I’m falling in love with you?” _Oh my god_. Johns brain went fuzzy, his insides were exploding with joy. Alexander felt the same way as he did? _Oh my god_. This was real, this wasn’t a dream. Everything he’s been imagining could actually happen, everything could be real. _Oh my god_.

“Please say something.” John tried to tell him that he loved him too. Tried to, but he couldn’t, he was still frozen in shock, his brain not moving as fast as the world spinning around him. Alex took his hand away from Johns and got up to leave, taking Johns silence as a lack of mutual feeling. When Alex started to walk past where John was sitting, his brain snapped out of the fuzziness and grabbed Alexs hand to stop him. John could see tears forming around Alexs beautiful brown eyes and quickly stood up and pulled Alex closer.

“I love you too.” He breathed before cupping one hand on Alexs face and the other threw his hair and connected their lips. Alex’s lips felt like everything he had imagined, and so much more. His lips were soft, and tasted like the mint chap stick that he knew Alex loved. Alex had wrapped his arms around his waist and their bodies were as close as they could possibly be. After a few blissful minutes John pulled back, breathing heavily. John looked at Alex and smiled, noting his heavy breathing and blown pupils. He rested his forehead on Alexs, one of his hands still tangled his Alex’s soft hair.

“Is that why you have been acting weird?” Alex blushed slightly and opted to bury his head in Johns shoulder. John was leaning up against the side of the booth, and wrapped both of his arms around Alex and allowed the shorter boy to lean fully into him. He placed a light kiss on Alexs head as he started talking.

“When we almost kissed in the dorm the other day, I don’t know what happened. I freaked out because you’re my best friend, and I didn’t want to push you, or make you uncomfortable, or lose you. I don’t know it was stupid.” John just chuckled and rubbed small circles on Alexs back.

“If you ever make me uncomfortable, I promise I’ll tell you okay? Try not to worry about me, I know you’d never want to hurt me.” Alex pulled away slightly to look up at him, and then pressed a light kiss on his cheek.

“Good, because I am madly in love with you John Laurens.”

“I am madly in love with you Alexander Hamilton.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end!  
> Short, sweet, and to the point.  
> I really enjoyed writing this fic, and i really hoped y'all enjoyed reading it.  
> Drop me a comment saying how you felt, and feel free to drop by my other fic, it's called John Laurens Finds a Family


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